Immigration Jokes

United States Border Ahead

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Nothing is out of bounds when it comes to content for jokes for late-night comedians. With immigration being such a hot-button topic, you can be sure to find jokes galore from your favorite late-night funny guys.

Jay Leno Quotes

  • "As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles."
  • "I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English."
  • "It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, 'Let's see your papers.'”
  • "Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van."
  • "Over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway."
  • "They're going to have to pay a $5,000 fine. Where are these people going to get five grand? I mean, what are the chances Wal-Mart's going to give them a raise?"
  • "The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let's hope they don't boycott coming here."
  • "Even though (Mexican) President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him."
  • "The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]."
  • "Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now."
  • "The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time."

Bill Maher Quotes

  • "Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed."
  • "It looks like the Senate and the president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals. The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up."
  • "The liberals are saying that this guest worker program ... is really just a way to depress wages and create a permanent underclass of exploited labor. To which the president said, 'And the problem is?'"

David Letterman Quotes

  • "They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million."
  • "The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash."

Conan O'Brien Quotes

  • "The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California."
  • "Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long."

Other Comedian Quotes

  • "Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, 'Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, 'Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says 'Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism." - Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
  • Arizona is the meth lab of democracy." - Jon Stewart
  • "As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." - Tina Fey
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